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....Revised Feb. '14

:bulletred: For theWrittenRevolution - fav.me/d5tb11u :bulletred:

For lit crit:
1. Do you understand the setting soon enough?
2. "Get it" why the main character isn't named or referred to much, besides thoughts?
3. Have any suggestions for improvement you'd like to write?
4. Title?


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:iconclarkdimond:
clarkdimond Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2014
The Chicken Coup?
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Edited Sep 8, 2014   Writer
:lol:
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:iconmediafreq:
mediafreq Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013   Photographer
Very nice. Too bad there are so many who will never get the experience to join reality.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013   Writer
Yep, it's kinda sad. Thanks for the compliment. :heart:
Reply
:iconcassiusrex:
CassiusRex Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It took me a second to remember that "Indian" in the US doesn't mean "Indian", but "Native American", but when you mentioned the "rez", I got it. But yeah! I really like this, especially the internal monologue :3  It all flows very easily and smoothly. Though maaaybe "ohgawd" stands out a little, probably because I see it on the internet and not in normal speech.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013   Writer

"Native American" is such a mouthful and no Indian I know calls themselves that. That's my reason to use "Indian." Maybe I should have put "feather Indian" there and derailed into a discussion about "dot Indian" vs. "feather Indian. " *shrug* I also often feel I can hear "ohgawd" - maybe it's a dialect. But thanks so much for commenting and letting me know what you like! :heart:

Reply
:iconcassiusrex:
CassiusRex Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I don't know any Native Americans, being from the other side of the pond, so I'll defer to you on that. Plus I'm aware it's what they're called on your side of the pond. It's totally a regional/national thing that would make no sense for you to change, I just thought I'd mention it's not what immediately came to mind for me :P
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013   Writer

Oh- I understand completely. I didn't mean to ruffle any feathers. I was just explaining it's a story in the US.

I know it can be misconstrued elsewhere, so now I can only hope I mentioned "rez" soon enough for those on the other side of the pond. Did I?

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:iconcassiusrex:
CassiusRex Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh yeah, it was totally fine. You definitely get to it early enough to establish the setting (... and for me to realise "Oh, shit, right, the USA") :D   As a side note, re-reading, I really really like the second-person perspective :3
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013   Writer

...I really really like the second-person perspective.

There it is--some folks don't even notice it. So thank very much!

Reply
:iconlilifaye:
Lilifaye Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013  Student Photographer
Wow, it takes a lot for a story to literally make me laugh out loud, especially when I'm tired. For this, I commend you. :clap: :clap: :clap:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013   Writer
:love: Thank you!...and thanks for the star and "wow" as well.
Reply
:iconlilifaye:
Lilifaye Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013  Student Photographer
You're welcome :D
Reply
:icondevibrigard:
DeviBrigard Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013
At first I was just going to pass this by, but then my gaze fell on the first few lines and it sucked me in. Before I knew it, I had read it all and it was added to my favourites.
The piece flows wonderfully; the progression of thoughts makes sense as it is read, and nothing seems at all out of place.
You obviously know what you're doing, so I'll let you get on with it :D
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013   Writer
I'm very glad you like this piece, and like it enough to give it a star.
You can bet your booty I'll "get on with it." :D
:iconquillplz:<-That's supposed to be me writing. It looks rather strange, doesn't it?
Reply
:icondevibrigard:
DeviBrigard Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013
With a quill. Fancy :D
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013   Writer
I thought the feather fit this [non-:shh:]fiction. It's a chicken feather. :lol:
Reply
:icondevibrigard:
DeviBrigard Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013
Fitting indeed :D
Reply
:iconqueermuffin:
QueerMuffin Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Student Writer
this whole piece is just so down-to-earth and wonderful.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013   Writer
I like your assessment = short and sweet. And thanks much for the star. Now I'm :iconswingonastarplz:
Reply
:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
:iconbowplz:
Why not just call it "Chicken?"

As always my friend, an entertaining and engrossing read. I really like your stories of life on the "rez".
I think what I really like with this piece is how you capture the awkwardness of being ourselves in a different culture- how we can be embarrassed by the way our lives have played out, how our abilities and the lack-there-of, can make us feel ashamed when faced with such cultural differences.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013   Writer
That title's a good idea.
I kept trying to come up with one that reflected the 'game' some play with cars, and never once thought to simply call it "Chicken," which is, after all, the name of that 'car game.' Isn't it?

I ended up with this mouthful, which I'll keep only because it seems to draw more folks into reading it. (I think.) RE the ways we are in different cultures and settings, the way the simplest task can remove many a mask, well, I just loved writing this story. It was the most fun I've had in a while and is mislabeled (<-one or two "l"-s?) as well.

Good to see you, and I'm glad you visited!
I was going to write back to you via another way, but will a bit later.
Expect it in a few days, okay? Okay. :heart:
Reply
:iconlolijoke:
lolijoke Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, this is really good. I got way into it and I don't know I just really, really like it. (I'm one of AnonDesu's groupies and nothing tops his comments, but I always feel bad about favoriting without comments so here my inarticulate comment is.)
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013   Writer
Hey, Anon has groupies? Wow. Are you the president of them?
I like that fact you follow Desu and especially your "inarticulate" comment - one that isn't inarticulate at all. "Oh, this is really good. I got way into it..." says worlds to me, and your comment means just a lot. I imagine you fav'd it, though I didn't look yet, but want to say now- Thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconlolijoke:
lolijoke Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I stand alone. I'm the dark haired groupie that doesn't become friends with the main cast until about half way through the season.

But you're welcome. :3
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013   Writer
It took me a while to realize you must be talking about TV.
That's one medium I don't ever use and haven't in years.
Still, your joke wasn't lost on me.
Tis a a good one, I think. ;)
Reply
:iconlolijoke:
lolijoke Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Something like that! <3
Reply
:iconleonca:
Leonca Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Very interesting. It captures a sort of discomfort I’ve wondered about but experienced little of so far, the idea of being a “real woman.” If “real women” cook and all sorts of other things I’ve never been interested in, what does that make me?

1. The setting came through pretty quickly, though at first I wasn’t certain of the protagonist’s gender. At first I thought maybe she was a guy since the women didn’t talk to her for so long.
2. I noticed about halfway through that it was in second person. I can only think of one occasion where I read something that I felt needed that style, but it might just be personal preference. It is certainly well done and contains plenty of humor. I did have to read the comments to realize you did it to fictionalize a personal experience. I admit I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone doing that rather than just presenting the story as non-fiction.
3. No changes that I can think of.
4. I love the title. It combines story subject with character voice. =)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   Writer
Oh, the women ran the family. That's what a matriarch is.
In most U.S. societies (as far as I know) the men do = a patriarch.
And...:iconthxfavplz:!
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:iconleonca:
Leonca Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Interesting. I have heard that a few tribes do that, but I didn’t know Arapaho was one. How does that change how the balance of power is handled?
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   Writer
The women know where everything is: food, kids, money, ways to make money, keys to the autos, etc.
That makes "the balance of power" tip in their favor.
The men are just allowed (so to speak) to think they're in charge.
Even in a divorce, the woman decides what belongs to a man and puts it outside for him to see, collect and be gone.
That occurred for the Arapaho long before papers got involved as well.
These stories and ways are also passed down from mother to daughter and so forth. A metriarchy, just as you know it.
Reply
:iconleonca:
Leonca Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I see. =)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   Writer
Good. :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   Writer
(my typo) *matriarchy
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:icondeviant-defaroe:
Deviant-Defaroe Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
I loved this. It's a really nice story - You kept it short but still weaved enough details into it to make the setting and the characters feel wholesome and I really like that :la:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   Writer
Thank you, and thanks much for the star.
Reply
:icondeviant-defaroe:
Deviant-Defaroe Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013
my pleasure :nod:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's improved since you first uploaded it. I can follow it easier. I like the way it reads and I can follow the primary antagonist, put myself in her place.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013   Writer
Thanks, *nightshade-keyblade! Wow- do you ever think of getting a shorter username?
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Uh...I thought of getting another name if I make it big as a writer on dA. But I just...I love this name. I've had it since I joined and I've become attached to it.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013   Writer
I understand completely. I still haven't bought a vowel.
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is just as funny at the second read as the first. :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013   Writer
That's great to know. :)
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Aw, I liked the old title better. Didn't notice any huge changes, but it does read cleaner.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013   Writer
:iconuparrowplz: ... :icondownarrowplz: Truth? I really wanted to figure out a title that relates to "playing chicken" with cars, like some do, y'know?
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013   Writer
No "huge changes," but a cleaner read? That's a huge change, isn't it?

I didn't like Pass or Fail from the moment I wrote it.

Differences in opinion are fine, though. I went with what I felt was better. *shrug* I hope you get used to it.
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, more subtle than obvious, then.

Why not just 'playing chicken'? I'm all for vague allusions to idioms. Capitalized, of course (on the phone again).
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013   Writer
Hmm. "Playing Chicken" doesn't quite cover how serious the 'event' was.

I'll certainly consider it, though.

What kind of phone do you have? I'm thinking of getting a new one.
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, that's true. The current one is kind of casual, but better? Hm. I need it to grow on me.

Droid Incredible 2 - it's getting old. Kind of ridiculous, but true. Damn smartphones have a short lifespan.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013   Writer
yeah, read it again. i'd like you to like it. <-odd sentence alert!

thanks for the tip on smartphones.
Reply
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