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Submitted on
February 9, 2013
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....Revised Feb. '14

:bulletred: For theWrittenRevolution - fav.me/d5tb11u :bulletred:

For lit crit:
1. Do you understand the setting soon enough?
2. "Get it" why the main character isn't named or referred to much, besides thoughts?
3. Have any suggestions for improvement you'd like to write?
4. Title?


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:iconmediafreq:
mediafreq Dec 10, 2013   Photographer
Very nice. Too bad there are so many who will never get the experience to join reality.
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:iconxlntwtch:
Yep, it's kinda sad. Thanks for the compliment. :heart:
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:iconcassiusrex:
CassiusRex Aug 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It took me a second to remember that "Indian" in the US doesn't mean "Indian", but "Native American", but when you mentioned the "rez", I got it. But yeah! I really like this, especially the internal monologue :3  It all flows very easily and smoothly. Though maaaybe "ohgawd" stands out a little, probably because I see it on the internet and not in normal speech.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:

"Native American" is such a mouthful and no Indian I know calls themselves that. That's my reason to use "Indian." Maybe I should have put "feather Indian" there and derailed into a discussion about "dot Indian" vs. "feather Indian. " *shrug* I also often feel I can hear "ohgawd" - maybe it's a dialect. But thanks so much for commenting and letting me know what you like! :heart:

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:iconcassiusrex:
CassiusRex Aug 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I don't know any Native Americans, being from the other side of the pond, so I'll defer to you on that. Plus I'm aware it's what they're called on your side of the pond. It's totally a regional/national thing that would make no sense for you to change, I just thought I'd mention it's not what immediately came to mind for me :P
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:iconxlntwtch:

Oh- I understand completely. I didn't mean to ruffle any feathers. I was just explaining it's a story in the US.

I know it can be misconstrued elsewhere, so now I can only hope I mentioned "rez" soon enough for those on the other side of the pond. Did I?

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:iconcassiusrex:
CassiusRex Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh yeah, it was totally fine. You definitely get to it early enough to establish the setting (... and for me to realise "Oh, shit, right, the USA") :D   As a side note, re-reading, I really really like the second-person perspective :3
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:

...I really really like the second-person perspective.

There it is--some folks don't even notice it. So thank very much!

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:iconlilifaye:
Lilifaye Jun 7, 2013  Student Photographer
Wow, it takes a lot for a story to literally make me laugh out loud, especially when I'm tired. For this, I commend you. :clap: :clap: :clap:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
:love: Thank you!...and thanks for the star and "wow" as well.
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