For theWrittenRevolution - fav.me/d5tb11u
For lit crit:
1. Do you understand the setting soon enough?
2. "Get it" why the main character isn't named or referred to much, besides thoughts?
3. Have any suggestions for improvement you'd like to write?
"Native American" is such a mouthful and no Indian I know calls themselves that. That's my reason to use "Indian." Maybe I should have put "feather Indian" there and derailed into a discussion about "dot Indian" vs. "feather Indian. " *shrug* I also often feel I can hear "ohgawd" - maybe it's a dialect. But thanks so much for commenting and letting me know what you like!
Oh- I understand completely. I didn't mean to ruffle any feathers. I was just explaining it's a story in the US.
I know it can be misconstrued elsewhere, so now I can only hope I mentioned "rez" soon enough for those on the other side of the pond. Did I?
The piece flows wonderfully; the progression of thoughts makes sense as it is read, and nothing seems at all out of place.
You obviously know what you're doing, so I'll let you get on with it
Why not just call it "Chicken?"
As always my friend, an entertaining and engrossing read. I really like your stories of life on the "rez".
I think what I really like with this piece is how you capture the awkwardness of being ourselves in a different culture- how we can be embarrassed by the way our lives have played out, how our abilities and the lack-there-of, can make us feel ashamed when faced with such cultural differences.
I kept trying to come up with one that reflected the 'game' some play with cars, and never once thought to simply call it "Chicken," which is, after all, the name of that 'car game.' Isn't it?
I ended up with this mouthful, which I'll keep only because it seems to draw more folks into reading it. (I think.) RE the ways we are in different cultures and settings, the way the simplest task can remove many a mask, well, I just loved writing this story. It was the most fun I've had in a while and is mislabeled (<-one or two "l"-s?) as well.
Good to see you, and I'm glad you visited!
I was going to write back to you via another way, but will a bit later.
Expect it in a few days, okay? Okay.
I like that fact you follow Desu and especially your "inarticulate" comment - one that isn't inarticulate at all. "Oh, this is really good. I got way into it..." says worlds to me, and your comment means just a lot. I imagine you fav'd it, though I didn't look yet, but want to say now- Thank you!
But you're welcome. :3
1. The setting came through pretty quickly, though at first I wasn’t certain of the protagonist’s gender. At first I thought maybe she was a guy since the women didn’t talk to her for so long.
2. I noticed about halfway through that it was in second person. I can only think of one occasion where I read something that I felt needed that style, but it might just be personal preference. It is certainly well done and contains plenty of humor. I did have to read the comments to realize you did it to fictionalize a personal experience. I admit I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone doing that rather than just presenting the story as non-fiction.
3. No changes that I can think of.
4. I love the title. It combines story subject with character voice.
That makes "the balance of power" tip in their favor.
The men are just allowed (so to speak) to think they're in charge.
Even in a divorce, the woman decides what belongs to a man and puts it outside for him to see, collect and be gone.
That occurred for the Arapaho long before papers got involved as well.
These stories and ways are also passed down from mother to daughter and so forth. A metriarchy, just as you know it.
I didn't like Pass or Fail from the moment I wrote it.
Differences in opinion are fine, though. I went with what I felt was better. *shrug* I hope you get used to it.
Why not just 'playing chicken'? I'm all for vague allusions to idioms. Capitalized, of course (on the phone again).
I'll certainly consider it, though.
What kind of phone do you have? I'm thinking of getting a new one.
Droid Incredible 2 - it's getting old. Kind of ridiculous, but true. Damn smartphones have a short lifespan.