Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
I can't write a poem for you.
I can't sing a song for you.
I can't be you.

I once wished I could take your place and told you I would in a heartbeat.
You said "Yes, please do!" but we know I can't even do that.

We both know you're strong and have weathered many things.
But some things won't change.
This disease you have now won't change. You'll change with it.

You sent a text message, "I felt a tiny feeling in my left foot! Woot!"
I sent one back to help you celebrate.
I wished again I had what you have. Such a small thing you felt against the looming.

I can't linger on woe.
I can't linger on "can't."
I can't linger here without you.

But.

I'll be a rock to your paper, to your scissors, to your own rock.
I'll be your memory if you ever lose yours.
I'll be here without you if I must, to keep you circulating through the veins of vast existence forever.
For Rose.
Add on 3/27/12 Since a few-too-many folks wonder, Rose is my daughter. She beat cancer in a couple of very youthful years and now has degenerative Multiple Sclerosis. It's "atypical" and getting worse. Last time we were together, she wasn't using her cane to walk anymore (this daughter who used to hike and climb and walk so much faster than me). Instead she was in a wheelchair. Of course I still know I'll do everything and anything I can to help her. Does that clear wonder? I hope so. Oh--and I'm not a poet. I write prose and dabble in poetry very rarely.

Thanks again for your constructive comments!

:iconcritique-it:
Are tense changes too abrupt?
Do you find this uplifting in any way?
If not, can you say why not?
Is it easy reading?

:bulletred: for theWrittenRevolution - fav.me/d4peyin :bulletred:

ScreamPromptstheWrittenRevolutionUnconventional-StoryModGetWatchersModWord-SmithsWritersInkCritique-Itvicious-verseElocutionistsTheMysteryGuildCRLiteratureBurdenedHearts
Add a Comment:
 
:iconclandestine-pilgrim:
Regarding question no. 1
I don't think the tense changes is too abrupt, yes, the poem talks about how something is impossible at the moment, a shimmer of hope on the other, a look of pity in the next ("you can't do that anymore") then a bold statement of love in the last, but each has been described thoroughly and readers will be left with mixed emotions/

no. 2
i feel uplifted in a way that i realized that even death is never considered an obstacle when it comes to love.

no.4
i assume is reading is as literal as it sounds. yes, it is simple, but it is deep. i could feel the speaker's sadness then hope for his love.

all in all, great work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconcjwilde:
This is an incredibly poignant, well-written and emotionally provocative piece. Despite being a fairly dark poem - This disease won't stop its change. You'll change with it was particularly cutting - there were also messages mixed in of desperately clinging to hope, and how attempting to be positive when things seem irremediable can be 'uplifting'. My best examples of this are Such a small thing you felt against the looming and I can't linger on woe. / I can't linger on "can't." These lines stood out in a bright contrast against the onslaught of depression and made me feel as though I was the one who had hope. :aww:

I barely noticed the change in tense; I actually quite enjoyed it, as for me it felt as though the poem was taking me back and forth through a journey that spanned an entire story (although sadly, this was the story of the illness). Grammatically, I thought you did well. My only critique here (if you don't mind this, of course. I am a bit of a grammar nazi, so feel free to disregard my thoughts) is that I felt there should be another word after looming, or to replace it; when used as a noun, it actually means; "a mirage in which objects below the horizon seem to be raised above their true positions" (or, see [link]). The way you have used it is actually as a verb.

Other than this, I adored the poem and I think you've tackled an emotive and difficult subject in an inventive and beautiful way. I do admire you as a writer and I look forward to seeing more pieces like this in the future, with any luck. I hope I could be of help. :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconoana-mihaela:
Oana-Mihaela Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013   Photographer
"to keep you circulating through the veins of vast existence forever. "...now that is touching! Wonderful image!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much! And- :iconthankuplz:
Reply
:iconoana-mihaela:
Oana-Mihaela Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013   Photographer
You´re very welcome. Thank you too for everything! :rose:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
At this point, I don't see much in terms of the need for improvement.

It says that you have updated. I currently think this is a good form. The single word "But" could maybe have been bold or italicised to stand out? Up to you, though.

I'm not sure if uplifting is the word I would use, but I got a bittersweet feeling at the last stanza. The motif of "scissors, paper, stone" gave an image of bonding time with your daughter. I also liked the first stanza:

"I can't write a poem for you.
I can't sing a song for you."

I'm inclined to disagree. But I like it because I've heard you say that you don't write poetry much. It reminds me who is speaking. It just feels different to having some person I don't know say it.

Overall, I had the sense of a mother feeling distressed but resolute. She will do whatever it takes to honour her daughter's wishes and if need be her memory, but it still doesn't remove the dreaded thought of outliving her own offspring.

Not sure what else to say, other than that it had impact.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013   Writer
*eliminated
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013   Writer
Thanks. I think you hit this nail on the head.

Yes, I updated it a bit to fit both my feelings and #vicious-verse.

[I had also elimated several lines about her 'step-father' and a wish they had. It seemed too "extra" for this piece.]

And it's true, I don't write much poetry.
Even my daughter says, and I quote: "You suck at poetry and should stick to writing prose." :laughing:

I think you got the "overall" message right. And that makes me immensely pleased.
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I don't write poetry often either. It's been a while since I wrote anything I was immensely pleased with (perfectionism is a b****):laughing:

I'm happy to hear that. I mess up a lot when it comes to understanding poetry, so it's a good change. :heart:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013   Writer
I think it's easier for non-poets to critique "Urban & Spoken Word" pieces than traditional forms.

I once had a lot of trouble writing lit crit for a sestina.

Had to do research to find out exactly what it was, etc.

Don't be a "perfectionist" please!

You'll truly get nothing done you really like, thinking it must be perfect.

Thanks again and good luck. :dummy:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I agree. For me, there are a lot of poetry that I am unfamiliar with, so I get what you mean.

I'll do my best not to be ^^;

You're welcome!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013   Writer
Please don't "..do [your] best not to be.." in a perfect way ;)
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:lol: Okie-dokie! :giggle:
Reply
:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It's beautiful, did she get to see it?
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012   Writer
No, she didn't. But :iconthankyousignplz:!
Reply
:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I hope some day she'll get to see it:)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   Writer
Hmm. I'm not so sure I do. She's the REAL poet in the family.
Reply
:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
After reading your writing I can only imagine what her stuff would be like:crazy:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
I've only seen a few pieces myself. She's very private about them.
But they're heaps better than mine (and I don't say that just 'cause I'm her mom)!
Reply
:iconmissmorticia:
MissMorticia Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Student General Artist
I believe in sharing wonderful literature around, therefore I featured this piece in my Journal: Life and all that Jazz.

:huggle:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012   Writer
Saw it and replied there. Thank you! :woohoo:
Reply
:iconmissmorticia:
MissMorticia Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2012  Student General Artist
:iconcritique-it: Comments inc:

Are tense changes too abrupt? No, it was like reading a conversation to me, therefore the tense changes fit.
Do you find this uplifting in any way? Reading your piece I felt bitter-sweet hope, I wouldn't call it an uplifting feeling per say, definitely a strong emotion however. I felt as if the person doing the writing just wanted to much more for the other, wanted to help in a greater way than they already were, therefore the bitter-sweet feeling.
Is it easy reading? The emotion a reader feels reading this gives the piece allure and power, I believe it makes it relatable and easy to read.

I did feel a bit let down that I wasn't given a chance to find out what was wrong exactly. However I was left feeling like that was ok after reading the last three lines. They just on their own speak volumes of love.

Well done :clap:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2012   Writer
You wrote wonderful comments. Every one.

Thank you, *ScarsofAngels.

"...gives the piece allure and power ... They...just speak volumes of love."

A writer can't expect much more in lit crit and general reaction. :heart:
Reply
:iconmissmorticia:
MissMorticia Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2012  Student General Artist
:thumbsup: :huggle:

It was my pleasure to read "How Vast It Is", thank you so much for sharing.
Reply
:icontokiofalloutgirl:
tokiofalloutgirl Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2012  Student Writer
I love the critic you gave me and I like your poem so I'll give you critques too (:
I'm not that good at critques though soo.

1. No, I think it's good (: I really like how it was said out loud when I read it !
2. Yes! So uplifting! I can't write things like this..I wish I could!! It's really cool C:
3. Yes, it's quite easy to read (:

My favorite part of this is "I'll be your memory if you lose yours."

It's very very nice (: I love this poem and fav'd it! (:
Awesome job! Keep it up!

:iconcritique-it:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2012   Writer
:iconthankuplz: ...and your critique was nice. Once you write more critiques, you'll find them easier to do. :)
Reply
:icontokiofalloutgirl:
tokiofalloutgirl Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome!! (:
Reply
:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This piece conveys a really lovely sentiment. The last line embodies it perfectly, though I wouldn't say that it is uplifting. More like loving and determined.

The second half of the piece is definitely the strongest. The emotions really come through in that section and give the words more punch. It focuses less on the specifics of the situation and more on the people and the emotions within the situation.

And speaking of the specifics, it's a little bit galling as a reader to not know exactly what is happening to the person you are addressing. There are hints, obviously, but nothing that helped me solidly place a disease or accident or what-have-you. It's not essential to the piece, but it may help furnish it with even more power to know exactly what the person is facing.

Otherwise, I think this is a great piece. There is emotion and power and the words feel natural. An enjoyable read.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2012   Writer
Um. In the third stanza it says... 'This disease won't stop its change. You'll change with it.'
That doesn't say clearly enough that it's a "disease"?
The following stanza lets readers know a bit more about the disease = what it can do.

I hope you don't remain a reader who feels "nothing..helped...[to]... solidly place a disease or accident or what-have-you."
If you must know, the disease is progressive M.S.
The person addressed is my daughter.
Does that make a difference to the overall piece, you think?

In the meantime, I appreciate your lit crit quite a bit. :) Thank you. :manhug:
Reply
:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my goodness, that's rather embarrassing. I even read it a second time and still managed to miss the specific use of the word disease. :blush:

I think that knowing the specific relationship does add more depth and impact, especially since it is someone so close to you/the narrator. But that is merely my opinion and yours is obviously much more important when it comes to your work, especially something so deeply personal.

I'm sorry that you and your family have to go through something like that. :hug:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2012   Writer
Yeah, it's a little odd to miss an entire phrase.
But you see it now.
Thank you for the hug. Sometimes that's all a person needs. (:
Reply
:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
At least I managed to do that right! :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012   Writer
:w00t:
Reply
:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012
This is so poignant, so full of 'real'. And it is sad and glad. Well done.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2012   Writer
:nod:
Reply
:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012
O. I do love my memory. I did not realize I already read it, commented, and faved until I started to fave it again. At least I am consistent. With bad memory, what else can one do but be truthful?
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2012   Writer
What? Did you say or do something I forgot? (lol -could be!)

All anyone can do is be truthful. :heart:
Reply
:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2012
I commented on this twice, not knowing I was repetitively redundant.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2012   Writer
Uh-huh. Yep. Yeah. Yes. Mm-hmm.
Reply
:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2012
lol ... :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2012   Writer
:happybounce:
Reply
:iconblurasberryraindrop:
BluRasberryRaindrop Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wonderful job! And as stated before, the angst gives an extra something to the whole piece! :meow:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2012   Writer
Thank you. I'm glad you read the comments.
Sometimes that's good, sometimes not, but this time I think they reveal to some readers who is addressed in this piece.
And thank you very much for the :+fav: (:
Reply
:iconblurasberryraindrop:
BluRasberryRaindrop Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hahahah. Definitely!
No problem! You deserved it!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2012   Writer
:happybounce: ...thanks again.
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Holds a great deal of latent power. :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 29, 2012   Writer
:iconthankyousignplz: ... I must read more of your work soon...
Reply
:iconhowelldiamorosi:
HowellDiAmorosi Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011  Student Writer
Reading through the comments, I am gathering that it is about your Daughter, which I admit struck me as odd, but even more wondrous than I had originally anticipated. I had thought childhood friends, or lovers, though of a younger age, perhaps early twenties. But love is universal, and whom it is between is irrelevant.
I think this piece is very heavy on the heart, on the mind, the soul a touch as well, but it is good. We need heavy, reality is a grave and obstinate teacher, and the hope, love and perseverance rings true in this, and therefore it is something to be admired.

As for grammatical and all that nip-picking, I shall not pick on my prat-countenances small annoyances, because they are small, and therefore petty. But I will mention a repetition:
"I can't be you.

I once wished I could take your place and said I would in a heartbeat.
You said "Yes, please do!" but we both know I can't do that either. "

That is all repeating the same thing. Though do not mark me wrong, the opening really allows the reader to sink properly into the piece, but those two lines after "I can't be you" do not sit well. They are quaint, and gently revealing, but I feel do not fit well in that space, or perhaps not at all.

But I do feel it a very good piece. My sincerest thanks for sharing this piece with us.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011   Writer
Thank you. Your comment is thorough. I like that.

I ring that bell a lot in this piece = the "hope, love, perserverance" bell.

I'll try to send something a bit more fun sometime.

I thought the second part, where you found (unneeded?) repetition...
...told readers she knew it was impossible, and that I'd told her...
...that I didn't just 'feel' it.

Thanks again.
Reply
:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011
This is lovely. Mature angst that acts rather than rants is succor to all pain. :frail:

The last stanza is particularly lyrical.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011   Writer
Ah, indeed. Strength is found. Life goes on. Grace is at hand and it expands.

I'm happy you like the last stanza a lot. I do too. These words led me. It wasn't leading me them.
Reply
:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011
I take dictation as often as I write poetry. Demons and angels alike, aren't they really all the same?
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconxlntwtch: More from xlntwtch


Featured in Collections

Devious Collection by alapip

Literature by GetWatchers

Poetry by thetaoofchaos


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
March 27, 2011
File Size
1.1 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
3,045 (1 today)
Favourites
51 (who?)
Comments
76

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×