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March 27, 2011
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I can't write a poem for you.
I can't sing a song for you.
I can't be you.

I once wished I could take your place and told you I would in a heartbeat.
You said "Yes, please do!" but we know I can't even do that.

We both know you're strong and have weathered many things.
But some things won't change.
This disease you have now won't change. You'll change with it.

You sent a text message, "I felt a tiny feeling in my left foot! Woot!"
I sent one back to help you celebrate.
I wished again I had what you have. Such a small thing you felt against the looming.

I can't linger on woe.
I can't linger on "can't."
I can't linger here without you.

But.

I'll be a rock to your paper, to your scissors, to your own rock.
I'll be your memory if you ever lose yours.
I'll be here without you if I must, to keep you circulating through the veins of vast existence forever.
For Rose.
Add on 3/27/12 Since a few-too-many folks wonder, Rose is my daughter. She beat cancer in a couple of very youthful years and now has degenerative Multiple Sclerosis. It's "atypical" and getting worse. Last time we were together, she wasn't using her cane to walk anymore (this daughter who used to hike and climb and walk so much faster than me). Instead she was in a wheelchair. Of course I still know I'll do everything and anything I can to help her. Does that clear wonder? I hope so. Oh--and I'm not a poet. I write prose and dabble in poetry very rarely.

Thanks again for your constructive comments!

:iconcritique-it:
Are tense changes too abrupt?
Do you find this uplifting in any way?
If not, can you say why not?
Is it easy reading?

:bulletred: for theWrittenRevolution - fav.me/d4peyin :bulletred:

ScreamPromptstheWrittenRevolutionUnconventional-StoryModGetWatchersModWord-SmithsWritersInkCritique-Itvicious-verseElocutionistsTheMysteryGuildCRLiteratureBurdenedHearts
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:iconclandestine-pilgrim:
Regarding question no. 1
I don't think the tense changes is too abrupt, yes, the poem talks about how something is impossible at the moment, a shimmer of hope on the other, a look of pity in the next ("you can't do that anymore") then a bold statement of love in the last, but each has been described thoroughly and readers will be left with mixed emotions/

no. 2
i feel uplifted in a way that i realized that even death is never considered an obstacle when it comes to love.

no.4
i assume is reading is as literal as it sounds. yes, it is simple, but it is deep. i could feel the speaker's sadness then hope for his love.

all in all, great work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconcjwilde:
This is an incredibly poignant, well-written and emotionally provocative piece. Despite being a fairly dark poem - This disease won't stop its change. You'll change with it was particularly cutting - there were also messages mixed in of desperately clinging to hope, and how attempting to be positive when things seem irremediable can be 'uplifting'. My best examples of this are Such a small thing you felt against the looming and I can't linger on woe. / I can't linger on "can't." These lines stood out in a bright contrast against the onslaught of depression and made me feel as though I was the one who had hope. :aww:

I barely noticed the change in tense; I actually quite enjoyed it, as for me it felt as though the poem was taking me back and forth through a journey that spanned an entire story (although sadly, this was the story of the illness). Grammatically, I thought you did well. My only critique here (if you don't mind this, of course. I am a bit of a grammar nazi, so feel free to disregard my thoughts) is that I felt there should be another word after looming, or to replace it; when used as a noun, it actually means; "a mirage in which objects below the horizon seem to be raised above their true positions" (or, see [link]). The way you have used it is actually as a verb.

Other than this, I adored the poem and I think you've tackled an emotive and difficult subject in an inventive and beautiful way. I do admire you as a writer and I look forward to seeing more pieces like this in the future, with any luck. I hope I could be of help. :)
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6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconoana-mihaela:
Oana-Mihaela Mar 31, 2013   Photographer
"to keep you circulating through the veins of vast existence forever. "...now that is touching! Wonderful image!
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:iconxlntwtch:
Thank you very much! And- :iconthankuplz:
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:iconoana-mihaela:
Oana-Mihaela Mar 31, 2013   Photographer
You´re very welcome. Thank you too for everything! :rose:
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
At this point, I don't see much in terms of the need for improvement.

It says that you have updated. I currently think this is a good form. The single word "But" could maybe have been bold or italicised to stand out? Up to you, though.

I'm not sure if uplifting is the word I would use, but I got a bittersweet feeling at the last stanza. The motif of "scissors, paper, stone" gave an image of bonding time with your daughter. I also liked the first stanza:

"I can't write a poem for you.
I can't sing a song for you."

I'm inclined to disagree. But I like it because I've heard you say that you don't write poetry much. It reminds me who is speaking. It just feels different to having some person I don't know say it.

Overall, I had the sense of a mother feeling distressed but resolute. She will do whatever it takes to honour her daughter's wishes and if need be her memory, but it still doesn't remove the dreaded thought of outliving her own offspring.

Not sure what else to say, other than that it had impact.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Jan 4, 2013   Writer
*eliminated
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Jan 4, 2013   Writer
Thanks. I think you hit this nail on the head.

Yes, I updated it a bit to fit both my feelings and #vicious-verse.

[I had also elimated several lines about her 'step-father' and a wish they had. It seemed too "extra" for this piece.]

And it's true, I don't write much poetry.
Even my daughter says, and I quote: "You suck at poetry and should stick to writing prose." :laughing:

I think you got the "overall" message right. And that makes me immensely pleased.
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I don't write poetry often either. It's been a while since I wrote anything I was immensely pleased with (perfectionism is a b****):laughing:

I'm happy to hear that. I mess up a lot when it comes to understanding poetry, so it's a good change. :heart:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Jan 5, 2013   Writer
I think it's easier for non-poets to critique "Urban & Spoken Word" pieces than traditional forms.

I once had a lot of trouble writing lit crit for a sestina.

Had to do research to find out exactly what it was, etc.

Don't be a "perfectionist" please!

You'll truly get nothing done you really like, thinking it must be perfect.

Thanks again and good luck. :dummy:
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I agree. For me, there are a lot of poetry that I am unfamiliar with, so I get what you mean.

I'll do my best not to be ^^;

You're welcome!
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Jan 6, 2013   Writer
Please don't "..do [your] best not to be.." in a perfect way ;)
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