Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
    Hank told her not to put her tent by the creek, but she did.

    He figured the young girl wouldn't listen to him, whether she was his cousin or not. He was just an old man by her reckoning, and Hank knew many young folks rarely listened to old men.

    Hell, Hank was an old man by his own reckoning.
    Every winter morning told him that.
    The cold said, "You're an old man who can barely get out of bed. It hurts too much to move. Will you make it today?"
    He had so far, though sometimes it was dicey. 

    But Dinah arrived on a beautiful spring morning.
    The meadows were alive with wildflowers, bluejays, bees and long grasses fringed with pale seeds.
    She drove a borrowed truck packed full of camping gear and boxes.

    Dinah showed him the same paperwork that the town lawyer had showed him a week before. She'd inherited two acres from their great-uncle and she'd come from some far away eastern city to claim them.

    She was a pretty girl, educated way past schooling Hank ever had. He could tell right away by the way she talked. She was polite and even sweet, but turned out to be as bullheaded as any youngster he'd ever known.

    Dinah asked Hank to help her unpack the truck, with its load of clothes, books, and who-knew-what-else.
    The next thing Dinah did was walk around the meadows and woods Hank knew like the back of one of his wrinkled hands.

    She wanted to walk alone, she said, so he let her.

    He listened to her clumsy progress.
    She snapped twigs under trees, pushed through brush and generally make a bigger racket than the land had heard for years. Hank listened for any trouble she might find. He couldn't let her get hurt, even though they just met.

    She came back with leaves in her hair and a big grin on her face.

    "I love it here!" she said. "It's so quiet I can hear myself breathe. I can hear music in that creek down there. It's water music! It's better than anything I ever heard. Will you please help me put up my tent next to it? I won't need much help."

    "Well. Yep," Hank said. "It's a good place for a while, but you'll want to find another place for your tent before long. That creek can be a right mean thing when it has a mind to be."

    The girl just laughed. "It sounds like a symphony to me. How can a creek be 'mean'?"

    "It'll swell up, see," Hank said. "It don't always stay where it is."

    "Then we'll put my tent higher than I first thought."

    "There's a good place for it closer to my cabin. Didn't you see the little hidden meadow over there?"

    "Yeah, I did. But meadows don't sing like that water does. And they don't roam over such beautiful round rocks. And they probably don't attract the wildlife I want to see all the time. The water's so cold and clear, I love it!"

    Hank argued with Dinah a little, but useless talk is just useless, and Hank didn't cotton to useless much.

    Dinah would be safe if he told her what to do down there. Maybe.

    The path to the creek was steep, just a dirt path worn there by Hank himself and animals that visited, usually deer.
    He told Dinah the path itself was dangerous, that it could turn to mud in a moment, that it would be icy in the winter.

    She laughed again and said that was what she wanted. "A challenge," she said.

    Hank helped her set up her tent, a good and expensive one, right where she wanted it, though he did it in silence.
    She wanted it too close to the creek.
    She kept talking about music, going past the country tunes Hank sometimes listened to and on about classical. Hank struggled down the same dirt path she skipped down, carrying a couple of boxes for her to put inside her tent.

    Then he left her alone, though he invited her for coffee in the mornings.

    During the next few weeks, Dinah worked hard. Hank had to admire that.

    She was always late for coffee with him, but she always showed up even when the coffee was cold.

    She asked him, "Did you build this cabin by yourself? It's really nice."

    Hank told her the truth. "I built a little something some years ago, but it didn't hold long enough. This here's one a them cabins you order from a book and put together kinda like a Lincoln Log toy."

    "A prefab cabin? You must have had it quite a while to make it look old like it does."

    "I forget what it was called. It was easy to put together, though. It don't look as old as the one I built myself. That one got old real fast." The girl laughed again.

    She walked or worked on her campsite every day.

    Hank was often busy in his garden, getting vegetables and fruit ready for the long winter, watering, pulling weeds, putting nets over plants that the birds, deer and rabbits liked so much.

    After that, Hank sometimes tried to help Dinah with her current project.

    She'd decided to put stone steps on the dirt path to the creek. She'd find a wide and nearly flat stone somewhere, and shove it in and prop it up until it held fast for anyone to walk down.

    She was a strong little thing. Dinah looked like a pixie and acted like a grown man.

    In a few weeks, the dirt path had fourteen stone steps down to the creekbed.
    The creek itself was too close by far to the last steps in Hank's estimation, but Dinah never listened to his advice, so he never said a thing more than once.

    She talked to Hank a lot, though.
    She was "in love" with her two acres and with the creek in particular.
    She'd say how it "gurgled and chimed and talked" to her all night long. She called it "my music maker."

    Hank let her be. He looked forward to their morning coffee at his cabin.
    He didn't say much and didn't need to.
    Dinah said it all. She praised his house, his garden, his land and the mountains he loved.

    She asked questions about animals she glimpsed and their trails, the tufts of fur and feathers she found in the woods.
    Hank talked some about them. He'd mention bobcats and mountain goats he'd seen, or hawks and falcons, and he knew he sounded real backwoods, but that's what he was.
    Dinah always got too excited to let him talk very much. She had books that told her even more. She learned things fast.

    But she never learned how that creek could be.

    One day in late summer it rained, and Hank was glad.
    It took a lot of work to water his garden. Many vegetables were already canned and put away. Still, rain was needed.

    But when it came down like someone emptied a bucket all over the place, Hank stood on his little roofed porch and watched rainwater run everywhere, like new little rivers flowing down his meadow.

    His cabin was snug, he knew that, but he worried about Dinah. Would her nice tent hold?

    When the rain turned to hail and thunder cracked, Hank got out his rain gear and started for Dinah's tent.

    She had to go to his cabin now. That creek was gonna turn into another flash flood like he'd seen it do before.

    The hail and thunder stopped before Hank reached the creek, but rain still fell in blinding sheets.

    Hank called his cousin before he knew he said a word.

    "Dinah! Dinah! Get outta that there tent and get on up here! Dinah!"

    He heard nothing but rushing water in reply.

    At the top of her stone steps Hank's heart sank like the last few steps did in an unrecognizable creek.

    It was like Hank imagined surf might be. The creek was wave after wave of white water followed by the black dirt and branches that it stirred and tore up, overflowing its banks higher than Hank ever saw it run before.

    "Dinah! You hear me, girl?"

    He heard nothing from her.

    Across the creek her tent was gone, replaced by foaming water and tossed debris.

    The rain stopped as quick as it started, and Hank was wet through and through. He didn't care.

    "Dinah? Where are you?"

    Hank never felt so scared than when he looked downstream and saw shreds of Dinah's tent on the cottonwoods there.

    He saw waterlogged parts of books in that deadly mean old creek. He saw clothes snagged on boulders. It was too much.

    Hank went down the rock and dirt path, sliding in deep mud most of the way.

    The creek was already lower, but Hank was as upset as a treed mountain lion he saw once.

    He spit out Dinah's name as he searched along the creek downstream, picking at her things, but leaving them where they were. He didn't want to find things, he wanted to find her.

    Hank's galoshes filled with muddy water while he criss-crossed the creek, shouting 'til he had no voice left.

    He hated himself for not insisting she stay farther away from that mountain creek.
    He could've made her stay by his cabin so he could be like a protector, not some old mountain man nobody listened to.

    "H-Hank?" The voice was so quiet under the mudslides still falling into the creek, Hank almost didn't hear it.

    He whispered, "Dinah?" and went that direction.

    "Hank?" Dinah's voice was so afraid he barely knew it. "Hank?"
    There.
    Dinah was clinging to the trunk of a tree, her arms and legs wrapped around it.
    She was shivering and looked even smaller, a soaking wet shadow of a little girl saying his name.

    Hank muttered, "You're not gone. The creek didn't getcha."
    Somehow, he picked her up and carried to his cabin.

    She was silent a long time.

    Hank didn't know what to say but, "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay."  He made coffee. She never said a word, wrapped warm and dry in his Pendleton. She was silent a long time. Then she said, "It's a terrible creek. It took everything I own but me!"

    Hank was uncomfortable when she sobbed and unsure what would happen next. 

    At least Hank was warm by the time Dinah finished crying.

    He'd changed clothes in the little loft that served as his bedroom.

    Now he drank coffee, sitting next to his distant cousin.
    Neither of them spoke.

    Hank knew their friendship was something he hadn't had in a long time. But he couldn't keep her in his tiny cabin. Maybe he could send for another "Lincoln Log" cabin to put together for her, back in that little meadow behind the pinon trees.

    But would she stay around long enough for that?
    A tent might be first in order.

    Still, would a spirited and fiercely independent girl accept his help?

    Then Hank came to feelings that lurked behind his logic.

    He was a lonely old man before Dinah arrived, and he hadn't even known it.
    Now he wanted her to stay and...and do what? Entertain him with her highjinks?

    She almost drowned, and was as low as people get. Hank had to know his own heart before he thought about hers.

    He had to put his new-found loneliness aside, and see what he could really do for Dinah.

    That flash flood caused more damage than he thought.
    Hank now knew he wanted her to stay because he was in love with her.
    He was also sure she wouldn't stay more time than it took her to find a ride back to her city.

    He was more gruff than ever when he refilled Dinah's coffee cup.
    But if Dinah had looked at Hank, she would've seen that his eyes were full of unshed tears.
:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz:...without my permission...:iconcommentswelcomeplz:

:bulletred: For #theWrittenRevolution - [link] :bulletred:

Last edit: 2/12/13

For critiques:
1. Can you "see" the area okay?
2. Are the characters original enough?
3. Is the end too abrupt or odd?

#ScreamPrompts#theWrittenRevolution#Unconventional-Story#CRLiterature#WritersInk#Word-Smiths#GetWatchersMod
#ArtHistoryProject=DailyLitDeviationsProse#Fiction-Writers#SimplyGoodPoetry#TheMysteryGuild
Add a Comment:
 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh yeah, I got a good picture. And nature's another thing I don't do, so that's impressive.

The characters are as original as they need to be. I don't really think about that kind of thing too much, honestly.

I didn't like the ending. The question kind of killed it for me - I think there should be more introspection from Hank.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   Writer
There's a different ending now. What do you think of it?
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It's better. It still doesn't feel totally complete to me, admittedly.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   Writer
Can you be more specific, or is that against "the rules of engagement" ? :D

1.) What "more" do you want to know here?
2.) Is it Dinah's feelings you want now?
3.) Isn't asking about Dinah's feelings a little early at the time this story ends?
3a.) Maybe not. Maybe I have to add thoughts Dinah has. :hmm: Is that it?
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
;p sure I can!

I don't honestly quite know. Maybe it's just the moment where Dinah steps out and looks at him and he knows that she still cares about him even if she doesn't care for nature. But based on the pacing of the rest, the ending just still looks too short to me.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   Writer
Well, hell's bells. ;) I can spread it out, if that's what it takes.

Dinah doesn't "step out." She's all used up by the end, at least for the time being.

It's Hank who has to carry the end now, imho.
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:lol:

Yeah, that makes sense. Does he get some idea of what she's thinking, though? It doesn't need to be definitive.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   Writer
He does, and it's pretty darn definitive. See?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   Writer
Okay, I'll write more about Hank's reactions. That's a good tip. Thank you.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   Writer
Done, 2/12/13
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:salute:
Reply
:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I can`t remember if I commented on this or not, I read it a while ago and just re-read it but fuck the girl reminds me of me and how stubborn I am..... damn:p
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013   Writer
I don't think you commented before. I never thought how someone might think the girl is like herself. You writing that makes me glad to know you and to have shown you something about yourself in prose. Like you wrote: "...damn." ;)
Reply
:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ha ha ya, well you`ll laugh at this: one of the only camping trips I`ve ever been on, I wanted to be really close to the lake, it`d had been years since I was there(Ontario) and I love everything about those lakes, the lily pad lagoons, all the islands throughout the lake and fireflies were everywhere. Being the stubborn person I am:p I had my tent set up where it was supposed to be and to my disappointment we weren`t allowed to sleep on the dock. Bla bla but when I thought everyone was asleep I took my sleeping bag and sketch book to the dock(it was just some wood roped around oil drums or whatever) and decided to sleep there for the night. Unknown to me the reason why we weren`t allowed to sleep on the dock in the first place was the area we were in got really windy and wavy at anytime. The area we were in was also a huge drop off pretty much 5 feet from the shore so later after I fell asleep it got wavy and windy and before I really woke up enough to realize I should get the hell outta dodge the dock got hit by a big wave and I fell off in my sleeping bag and all, needless to say it was a miserable event and I got in a lot of trouble. Believe me there are lots of other things like that but ya, thought that would amuse you:p it was what memory your character made me think of and reminded her of me:p
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013   Writer
That certainly sounds like this girl. What a great story!
(And I'm glad you and your sleeping bag didn't disappear altogether.)
Do you ever think of writing such things in prose? "Memoir"-type things? I'd love to read your memories.
Reply
:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I haven't considered doing that, my writing abilities are pretty limited:p The most writing I end up doing is in comics, I don't have them posted on here, they're about ghost hunters, ya I'm lame:p The last time I wrote anything with a lot of feeling or meaning into it was an attempted poem to my boyfriend, I gave up on the rhymes though but he liked it so I guess that's what's important.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013   Writer
Your writing ability (since we first swapped notes) has already improved a lot.
I hope you consider trying a couple of stories here.
Reply
:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks and maybe I dunno I don't think I'd have any thing that would interest people.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   Writer
Yes you do. The days you spent on the street, your art, your whole life is amazing material.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconraspil:
raspil Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012   Writer
I don't fully understand why she's there. Though I caught the point that she inherited the land, is she living there? Vacationing? Renovation? It seems like there's a lot of jumping around between action and flashback memories which made it a little hard to follow. He doesn't seem to like her a whole lot -- why does he seem to take the role as her caregiver if she's a grown adult? He claims to be an "old man" but then he's her cousin and generally cousins are close in age-- I honestly don't know what to make of this story. I didn't read what everyone else has, it seems.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012   Writer
Thanks for your comments. Good to 'hear' from you. SO: She's living there. By- flashback memories -what do you mean? Everything before the end? I thought it was linear. She says at the end that everything she owns is there. She's living there. I know cousins (second cousins I guess [?]) who are very far apart in age. Like you wrote ...generally cousins are close in age. He likes her fine, especially her hard work, but he's also protective of 'his' mountain and wants to see her take care there = no fatal accidents, no losses. The end tells readers the old man (yep he's old, as described) got used to her company during their coffee in the mornings, and realizes he may be lonely for the first time if she's gone. Shoot, I don't like having to explain a story. I guess this one didn't work. I dunno. I don't know what else to write here. [You should see the "poem" I wrote yesterday. I don't know what to make of that one. I don't even know why I posted it. I can't write poetry to save my own ass.]
Reply
:iconraspil:
raspil Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012   Writer
all i know is what i read -- it makes me feel weird to leave comments like the one i did to anyone i'm "closer to" here at dA as opposed to a stranger; i don't spare feelings. everyone else above liked it and didn't see an issue which makes me wonder if i'm the one who missed something. maybe my issue is there was a lot of telling all throughout as opposed to showing, but it seemed to stretch over a few months as opposed to this being a single scene.

She was a pretty girl, educated way past schooling Hank ever had. He could tell right away by the way she talked. She was polite and even sweet, but turned out to be as bullheaded as any youngster he'd ever known.

i didn't find anything bullheaded about her in the rest of the tale or necessarily educated.


She asked questions about animals she glimpsed and their trails, the tufts of fur and feathers she found in the woods.

Hank talked some about them. He'd mention bobcats and mountain goats he'd seen, or hawks and falcons, and he knew he sounded real backwoods, but that's what he was.

Dinah always got too excited to let him talk very much. She had books that told her even more. She learned things fast.


All telling, no showing. Unless i'm really reading something here no one else is. I dunno, either.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012   Writer
She was bullheaded not to take Hank's advice. Yeah, the lines you quote and the fact I needed a summer storm (was it because I saw a mountain creek flood like that after a storm like that? I dunno) are "tell and don't show" lines. I still think most of the story is a "show and don't tell" piece rather than other way around. Some stories set up a scene by negating that good advice! to "show, don't tell," and I'm not 100% sure why I did negated some of it this time, but I think (in retrospect) I set stuff up that way fairly often when I write. Is it my journalism background? The five "W"s at the beginning of all articles? I dunno. Anyway: then I get to the action and that may be what "everyone else above liked" - the action scenes and the dialogue. Though I hafta' say -- at first readers wanted "more description, please..what does this place look like?" and I'm feeling a bit dumb now for giving them a line or two they asked for: "describe the place, man, girl" etc. I'm glad you don't spare feelings and I can take it, I just get confused more easily at this particular time. I know--excuses, excuses, excuses. [!] Want a new level, a new story for this prompt? Let me know, okay?
Reply
:iconraspil:
raspil Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012   Writer
It is up to you to do what you want. All I do is offer up the prompts. If you'd like to write something different, that is always an option.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012   Writer
:nod:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
i really liked this one.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012   Writer
I'm very glad you did :)
Reply
:iconandrewpom:
andrewpom Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Student Writer
It's not really detailed, photographic description: it more-so just outlines the area and allows the reader to fill in the blanks. I'm not saying this as a criticism: nobody wants to chug through paragraphs of 'the grass was green like emeralds' or whatever. I liked it, at least. It's a simplistic, easy-on-the-eye style. The last paragraph or two did seem a little forced as you tried to fit in the 'welcome back' line required for the prompt: 'welcome back' doesn't seem like an apt thing to say in the circumstances. I bet, if you weren't following the prompt, you would've written something else. Other than that, though, I think it's wonderful. Very well written; the characters are great together. You show real evidence of a refined style which you have long been developing.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012   Writer
:iconthankscommentsignplz:...and you're right about the prompt. I also never liked its placement. It didn't seem right.
I rewrote the end to make it fit better (I hope). Thanks also for the compliments. Both types of comments are encouraging.
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Professional Writer
About halfway through the story I was terrified of a sad and tragic ending. I'm so very relieved it wasn't one. Sucked me right in, though, because I'm very fond of Hank and I was very worried about Dinah. Sure, she's young and bullheaded but i really don't want anything to happen to the little pixie, she's a total sweetheart and I think she's good for Hank as well.

crit jazz:
1. Yes, definitely, pictured it perfectly. Kind of feels like I've been there before.

2. Yes.

3. No, I was very grateful for it that ending, and I think my mind can fill in whatever happens after that.

4. I think so.

Though I do understand her wanting to be near the water. It's always my favorite part of nature, just the banks of a creek, and I love the sound. I can always sleep to it.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012   Writer
Thanks for answering the "crit jazz."
(I wonder if Dinah heard jazz in the creek, too? I listed "jazz" there at first, but the line was too long with it.)

I've definitely "been there before." Saw a flash flood there, too.
I think that helps most stories. Some experience will apply to many of them.

I don't know yet if it fills the prompt. Might find out soon(ish).

:iconthankuplz: ..and be careful when you camp by creeks. Watch the weather and be ready to "decamp." =P
Reply
:iconpenfury:
Penfury Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
I love Hank. You could be writing about one of my neighbors. :) Geez, you could be writing about my neighborhood, it's so like home. Well written. My fav lines? 'Dinah never listened to his advice, so he never said a thing more than once.' and 'He didn't want to find things, he wanted to find her.' Like I said, he's home folks.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012   Writer
:iconthankyousignplz:...I like that character, too. I'm glad this reminded you of home. It was home for me in another life. :)
Reply
:icontearoses:
TeaRoses Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
I really liked this.

I definitely felt I could "see" the area, mostly through Hank's eyes. I think the characters were original enough, or at least they certainly had personality.

I feel like the end could be longer, but then again I don't know what I wanted to see there. Maybe Hank's reply to Dinah's statement, at least.

I think it definitely fills the prompt -- the setting is very much a character in the story.

Overall, very good and even "gripping."
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012   Writer
I answered your brief lit crit once :icondownarrowplz: but thought it over and added the last few lines.

I decided you were right. Way right. Thanks.
Reply
:icontearoses:
TeaRoses Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
I'm glad you think my crit helped.

I forgot to tell you that I really like the title.

Good to see you too!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012   Writer
:thumbsup:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012   Writer
:iconthankscommentsignplz:...I'm glad you like this.

I think Hank would only repeat "It's okay" to her at the end, since he "...didn't know what to say but..."
I understand what you mean about it, though.

I'm also pleased the story gripped you. That makes me happy.

It's good to 'see' you again :)
Reply
:iconleyghan:
leyghan Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wanna go there. :eager: I promise to avoid the mean ole creek.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   Writer
Promise? ~.^

Then I'll take you there -- when I get fiiiilthy rich.

(Yep, I know where this is. I even know where the creek is. :nod:)
Reply
:iconmonstroooo:
monstroooo Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations LJ! :party: You've been featured in our Weekly Round-up :boogie:

Thanks for sharing your work with the group :love:

If the feature doesn't say enough, let me say that I really dug this one :)

:iconwritersink:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
:w00t: Thank you! :heart:

And thank you for your added comment :)
Reply
:iconalapip:
alapip Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
well, at least you didn't kill her!

life brings a cruel dispossession
of young optimistic innocence.
well told, but jeepers.

sigh
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   Writer
:iconthankscommentsignplz: and for the star.

I agree: *sigh*

But I'm always glad when you like how I tell a story.
Reply
:iconalapip:
alapip Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconriparii:
riparii Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
There, I think you did that very gracefully. I love
The meadows were alive with wildflowers, bluejays, bees and long grasses fringed with pale seeds.

Just right.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012   Writer
That's my favorite nature description, too. I'm glad you like it. :heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm agreeing with this lady above me ^. This had such charming language and felt like home to me, with all the backwooded country talk. The only thing is, like Katie said, maybe add a bit more description for the sake of imagery. This is really reading very well, though, so far.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012   Writer
Done.
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah yes, much better! :)
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconxlntwtch: More from xlntwtch


Featured in Collections

Great Prose and Poetry by leyghan

free speech by riparii

Literature by Tyrison


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
November 23, 2012
File Size
12.1 KB
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
967
Favourites
28 (who?)
Comments
64

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×