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Sometimes on a quiet night
due to my perversity,
or perhaps my common nature,
I dream awake of what may happen
should my twin die before me.

I may be walking calm and laughing
down city street or red rock ridge
and she would reach me over the miles
reaching straight to all five senses
reaching intense with her actions
reaching me.

Stronger than telepathies
often had when we were kids
stronger than futile restlessness
unexplained 'til mail arrives,
stronger than what may surround me
I know she would reach me.

I would see her clear as day,
clearer than the sights around me
and I'd know her way of going
and how she takes it
and what she knows if she goes.
It would bind, it would blind me,
it would choke me up completely.

I would stumble, likely fall,
and knowing all, be speechless
in the face of reachless
closeness sundered by her pall,
Whatever takes her liveliness
I couldn't stand at all.
Some of this poem was already published in the now defunct "WordWorks." Think of reading it at a poetry slam at a fairly fast clip -- mostly.
Edits: 12/21/12

:bulletred: for theWrittenRevolution - fav.me/d57mwyu :bulletred:

1) Suggestions about rhythm are welcome: please read aloud.
2) So is 'lit crit' about content and a comment about possible delivery.
3) Hope you read it aloud for the entire experience and then comment. But it's up to you.
4) Are there loose ends I missed?
5) Can you picture me picturing this? I really am an identical twin. Is the description enough?

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:iconheronwolf:
First off I'd like to say I very much enjoyed the poem. I thought it was gripping the more I read and thought it very interesting as far as the twins thing goes.

Personally I'm not sure about the three reaching passages. I would use different words in place of three times reaching, but I can see why the way it is now seems nice too.

I thought the fourth stanza could be improved a little bit. The 'and how she takes it' part seems off. The last two sentences of the stanza however are very nice. The fifth stanza is my favourite, think it goes well with the whole poem and also has a nice flow.

As with many things, poetry is relative, so these are just my thoughts. Well done!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconmystic-soup:
Mystic-Soup Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

Well done!

 

-Beccu

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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013   Writer
Thank you! And :iconthnxfavplz:
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:iconohhaiitssonja:
ohhaiitssonja Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
pretty good ^_^
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013   Writer
thanks ^^
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:iconsuphyx:
Suphyx Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is wonderful.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much, and thanks also for the star. :love:
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:iconsuphyx:
Suphyx Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're most welcome! :D
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:icongirl-withagun:
girl-withagun Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
:heart:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   Writer
:iconspreadmoreloveplz:
Reply
:icongirl-withagun:
girl-withagun Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
:heart:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
:iconlotsofheartsplz:
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:icongirl-withagun:
girl-withagun Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
:D
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:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I know nothing about what`s good and what`s not good at a poetry slam(never been to one) but I don`t find there are any loose ends. I think that how you describe her reaching out to you and finding you over distances and the twin telepathy stuff you mention is a really good indication to make the story seem realistic(more feelings from you maybe). I think you convey the emotions well.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013   Writer
I used to travel to another state (New Mexico) to go to a week-long poetry slam "event" called "The World Wide Heavyweight Poetry Slam." I'd be a 'gofer' and pick up published poets at the airport (in another town) and take them to Peter Rabbit's house, or a hotel where some stayed. I also stayed sober and brought them home from bars some nights. I loved every part of those weeks. But now Peter died recently from cancer, and I doubt anyone will continue that. Still--there are poetry slams near here, too. Open mic events. I still haven't worked up the courage to perform my work. I'm not really a poet, I'm a prose writer who tries poetry now and then. Thanks for your comment, Zee.
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:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Do you still go to the poetry slams a lot? and you're welcome
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013   Writer
Nope. Not as much as I used to. I'm gettin' old here :granny: ... :laughing:
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:iconcrazythewaytobe:
Crazythewaytobe Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Eh well I suppose you're only as old as you feel:p
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   Writer
My feelings are young and I still act young.
It's my body that gets older. But I agree with that saying. Thank you.
Reply
:iconchris-ticehurst:
chris-ticehurst Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Very nice poem. It's written well too. Keep up the good work!
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013   Writer
:iconthankyousignplz: ... and I will, though I mostly write prose.
Reply
:iconronmaicol:
ronmaicol Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013
what is telepathy is it just a dream or is it .... something that we all really do share in spite of our refusal of our feelings???
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013   Writer
I'm not sure. I've often thought: 'Since I dreamt of so-and-so, did s/he also dream of me at the exact same time?' As for telepathy, for us it was an actual voice heard in our minds, a real daytime message said in an identifiable voice. I really don't know how to explain it. But I like your question. I like how it makes me think, and anything that makes me think a lot is liked even more. Thank you.
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:iconroamingtigress:
roamingtigress Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
I really like the concept here; brilliantly written.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Writer
:iconthankyouplz:
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:iconroamingtigress:
roamingtigress Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconyukime-no-lady:
Yukime-no-lady Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Writer
Great poem! I like the idea behind it aand the words you choose.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Writer
I'm very glad you do. :iconthankyousignplz:
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:iconwdnest:
wdnest Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Writer
I am identical twin. I am twinless due to certain circumstances. I was lost for a long time - there is really no help that can happen there. Can't really explain it either. I just moved on in life and had to leave her behind. It was upsetting - I found others though. After many years it does not really concern me now.

Thanks
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Writer
We're identical (mirror) twins, too. I also lost contact with my twin for quite a long while.
I'm glad to hear even a snippet of your story. Thank you. I hope this poem didn't upset you.
Reply
:iconwdnest:
wdnest Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Writer
Not really - it was a long time ago now - it used to upset me but now I have moved on from losing the twin, onto another life that could not have been achieved with her there. It was sad at the time but now - it is ok - others are ther for me instead and I have another family.
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:iconkhxayah:
KHXayah Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Student General Artist
nice work on this one :)
It's very good!
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Writer
Thank you :D
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
Hey there I featured this piece here and just thought I'd let you know.

Thanks!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013   Writer
Thanks again!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   General Artist
[link] I hope you like it, darling woman! :eager:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   Writer
I did! :heart: You brought tears to my eyes... how did you do that!?

The only word I couldn't hear was "twin" - but it's a piece anyone might relate to. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012   General Artist
Awwh! :tighthug:

It is I who should thank you for allowing me to read such a powerful, beautiful poem, darling friend! Thank you so, so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013   Writer
:icondragonloveplz:
Reply
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012
We can't help but debate these things, I know. Twins or not. Good job.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012   Writer
True. And :iconthxfavplz:!
Reply
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
Welcome!
Reply
:iconlalaith913:
lalaith913 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012   Writer
I can understand the need to not want to have your last line of stanza 2 start as a repeat of the previous lines since the repetition isn't being used constantly throughout the piece, but I think moving "actions" to the previous line so "reaching" repeats again might actually serve your rhythm better. Though, if you did that, your last line of that stanza would need something of another syllable or two to balance it.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012   Writer
Thanks, ~lalaith913
I'd switched those lines around during the constant edits I do on my work. But I think you're right, and put "reaching" back where it was, plus added one more syllable to the last line there. You gave me some good lit crit here. :)
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:iconmeggie272:
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Love it! Very powerful. The rhythm's good - it's strongest in the second last stanza, and therefore that stanza was the one that had the most impact for me. The third stanza was a bit weak in that respect. The content is very, very interesting - twins are an intriguing and very poetic idea and I enjoyed it. Well done!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012   Writer
Thanks for the lit crit! Tonight (it's night here) I worked some on that third stanza, because I believe you wrote the right thing about it. I'm not sure if I 'got there' yet, but will revisit this again to see. I'm glad you like the second-to-last stanza. It's one I revised quite a bit. In fact, I revise this entire poem a lot. I also appreciate that you "love it." I mainly write prose, but this was written as a near-true piece (though my twin hasn't died and hopefully won't before me) after a long night thinking about and missing her. Thanks for the star, too! :iconswingonastarplz:
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:iconmeggie272:
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad my thoughts were welcome. No worries, it was a star-worthy poem. :)
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012   Writer
:heart:
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
This is gorgeous and very thoughtful, the only line that threw me was this section:

"I hope without life thirst
I die first."

Without life thirst, I'm not sure what you mean by this but the rest of the poem is quite clear and emotive. This struck a wrong chord with me and made me pause to think RIGHT before the end. Wrong time for a reader to pause I think. ?
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012   Writer
Re: I hope without life thirst/I die first -
I agreed enough with you to try and fix it a bit, to make it more clear.
I have no idea if it works better for you, but it does for me [at least tonight it does].
Thank you. :manhug:
And thanks very much for the star! :iconsparklesplz:
Reply
:icontheemptychest:
TheEmptyChest Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
I would stumble, likely fall,
and knowing all, be speechless
in the face of reachless
closeness sundered by her pall,
Whatever takes her liveliness
I couldn't stand at all.


I love this stanza. And this entire poem. It is pure beauty. <3
Reply
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