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Submitted on
July 4, 2012
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Sometimes on a quiet night
due to my perversity,
or perhaps my common nature,
I dream awake of what may happen
should my twin die before me.

I may be walking calm and laughing
down city street or red rock ridge
and she would reach me over the miles
reaching straight to all five senses
reaching intense with her actions
reaching deep inside me.

Stronger than telepathies
often had when we were kids
stronger than futile restlessness
unexplained 'til mail arrives,
stronger than what may surround me
I know how she would reach me.

I would see her clear as day,
clearer than the sights around me
and I'd know her way of going
and how she takes it
and what she knows if she goes.
It would bind, it would blind me,
it would choke me up completely.

I would stumble, likely fall,
and knowing all, be speechless
in the face of reachless
closeness sundered by her pall,
Whatever takes her liveliness
I couldn't stand at all.
Some of this poem was already published in the now defunct "WordWorks." Think of reading it at a poetry slam at a fairly fast clip -- mostly.
Edits: 12/21/12

:bulletred: for #theWrittenRevolution - [link] :bulletred:

1) Suggestions about rhythm are welcome: please read aloud.
2) So is 'lit crit' about content and a comment about possible delivery.
3) Hope you read it aloud for the entire experience and then comment. But it's up to you.
4) Are there loose ends I missed?
5) Can you picture me picturing this? I really am an identical twin. Is the description enough?

:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz:...without my permission...:iconcommentswelcomeplz:

#ScreamPrompts#WritersInkScout#Word-Smiths#Poets-N-Prose#Critique-It#GetWatchersMod
=DailyLitDeviationsProse#theWrittenRevolution#TheMysteryGuild#Unconventional-Story#1001Critiques#A-Fistful-Of-Pages
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:iconheronwolf:
First off I'd like to say I very much enjoyed the poem. I thought it was gripping the more I read and thought it very interesting as far as the twins thing goes.

Personally I'm not sure about the three reaching passages. I would use different words in place of three times reaching, but I can see why the way it is now seems nice too.

I thought the fourth stanza could be improved a little bit. The 'and how she takes it' part seems off. The last two sentences of the stanza however are very nice. The fifth stanza is my favourite, think it goes well with the whole poem and also has a nice flow.

As with many things, poetry is relative, so these are just my thoughts. Well done!
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:iconmystic-soup:
Mystic-Soup Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

Well done!

 

-Beccu

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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Aug 7, 2013   Writer
Thank you! And :iconthnxfavplz:
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:iconohhaiitssonja:
ohhaiitssonja Mar 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
pretty good ^_^
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:iconxlntwtch:
thanks ^^
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:iconsuphyx:
Suphyx Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is wonderful.
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:iconxlntwtch:
Thank you so much, and thanks also for the star. :love:
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:iconsuphyx:
Suphyx Mar 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're most welcome! :D
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:icongirl-withagun:
girl-withagun Feb 12, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
:heart:
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:icongirl-withagun:
girl-withagun Feb 21, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
:heart:
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